Why couples fight over money

Marriage is a wonderful institution that can yield tremendous benefits for those who commit to it.  But marriage is not easy.  It takes hard work to integrate your life with another person, to become one, especially in the area of money.  Fighting over money is a big frustration for couples and, sadly, the cause of many divorces.
 

Why do couples fight over money?
 

1. Independence

We’re all unique in our own way and want to maintain a certain level of independence.  Believe it or not, this is a good thing, even in marriage.  Individuality doesn’t end when marriage begins.  In fact, it’s the different and opposite traits to our own that attract us to our mates.  And, it’s those differences, when harnessed and used in cooperation, that make it possible for a marriage to succeed.  

Managing money successfully in marriage is about communication and cooperation.  If one partner creates the plan and controls how money is spent without the input of the other, resentment, lack of cooperation, and money fights will be the result.  Any action that dismisses individual contribution and violates independence and individual choice will cause conflict.
 

2. Differing Values

Men and women tend to value different things, and their spending choices reflect this.  For example, I like spending money on books, electronics, cars, and tools. My wife, Natalie, enjoys spending on manicures and pedicures, household goods and decorations, and clothes.  I don’t value the things she spends money on, and she doesn’t value the things I spend money on.  

Spending based on individual values can be a source of conflict in marriage, particularly when finances are tight.  Money fights happen when we judge the financial choices of our spouse as being wasteful [not of value], yet we see our spending as valuable.  To solve this, ensure your budget allows for a reasonable monthly amount for spending on what each of you values.
 

3. Financial Insecurity

A major reason for couples fighting over money is rooted in financial insecurity.  Men and women have an instinctive need for financial security, which means having peace of mind and a sense of financial stability.  When circumstances within or outside of your control negatively impact your finances, worry and anxiety can lead to conflict.

Any feelings of financial insecurity caused by circumstances beyond your control can be alleviated through open communication.  It’s no one’s fault.  Coming together and talking things through will allow you to express your fears and worries.  More importantly, the discussion will naturally lead to encouraging each other and finding a solution, something you can do together.

Unfortunately, financial insecurity is self-inflicted.  It can be caused by one spouse making the wrong financial decision without the involvement or approval of the other.  This I find is the most common reason for financial conflicts.

It’s better to make a wrong decision together than to make the right one apart.  Unity in marriage is vital!  Recognizing that your financial decisions can make your spouse feel secure or insecure should prompt you to always involve them in all major financial decisions.
 

4. Unrealized Goals and Dreams

Every couple starts with a vision of what they want their life to be.  They have dreams and goals for the future, which they hope to achieve.  Finances play a crucial role in enabling couples to achieve the life they desire.  Unfortunately, if you’re not careful, life has a way of taking over, allowing the urgent to take priority over the important.  

A lack of planning means financial decisions are made emotionally and impulsively.  Before they realize it, a couple is living paycheck to paycheck, just trying to keep up with the payments.  Stress builds, and fights ensue because every added financial challenge is another reminder that the life they envisioned is slipping further out of reach.
 

Conclusion

Fighting over money doesn't have to be a part of your marriage.  To experience happiness and peace in your finances, you don’t have to forsake your independence, give up the things you value, live without financial security, and forget your dreams.  Instead, let these very things motivate you to work together and make the necessary changes to achieve the life you want.

You can have a conflict-free financial life with your spouse.  Start by creating a plan.  Set some clear and specific financial goals together.  Then, take consistent actions to move you toward your goals.